You want funny? Maybe I can give you some funny. Here’s my latest attempt, a fresh, heaping plate of it:
· Husband to wife: When did you stop knowing how to take a joke? Wife to husband: When you stopped knowing how to make any.
· Husband to wife: I think that last remark might have come out wrong. Wife to husband: If it came from your mouth, I’m sure it did.
· February is really getting to me. I’ve started my weekend drinking on Monday.
· Okay, here’s the message I, as CEO of this company, would like to send our shareholders. Fuck you. Now you’re the writer. So you go do what you have to do. Feel free to wordsmith it.
· I would eat more tonight, but I’m watching my hairline.
· How can you complain about getting older? It’s indecent – almost like complaining you’d rather be dead.
· My favorite abs work is lunch.
· Some day a court might find me guilty of mirth aforethought.
· Remembering is good. But forgetting can be better.